I have continued to correspond with the chair of the almond board. His most recent email was sad, in a way. He said he didn't really want anything happening to the almonds, either (he's an almond grower, himself), but that they don't have any choice about this--they are "between a rock and a hard spot." He also said that I was right, since he and I have been writing they are receiving many letters of opposition.

My response was about knowing that we always have a choice in this world, and that our beliefs that we must create rules and follow them is what is keeping everyone from being truly happy and free. I ended by saying that raw foodists will never consume the treated almonds and that we have already been finding alternative sources for when the ruling goes through.

So, maybe he's not such an ass. He's stuck in the system and doesn't know how to break free from it. Often I wish I could go from person to person, breaking down the barriers that we've created as a society to contain and mold us into perfect little robots. I've been working on my own barriers (not just the ones society has put into place) and there are gaps so large that I actually emerge from the box quite a bit. Someday the barriers will be gone and I'll be completely free. Maybe the more we break free, the more others will begin to see their own barriers and start to break them down, as well? This is my vision for the future--one of true freedom and happiness. Yes, this includes the freedom for the almonds to stay alive, without being scalded to death. ;-) 

For the past few days my stomach was upset. I felt like nothing was digesting and I had a general belly ache. I wondered if it was from the cashew nut milk I made for myself (because I've had stomach upsets after cashew nut milk, before), but I've had some stressfull stuff in my life and wasn't sure whether it was that, or the milk. Well, I had a good long cry yesterday and today my stomach is feeling so much better. I still don't know if it was the milk or the stress, however, since maybe the cashew nut milk finally digested and that's why I'm feeling okay. Who knows. I do want to remember that I had a tummy upset after drinking cashew nut milk, however, in case it happens again.

All has been going well with eating 100% raw. I pranked (April Fool's Day) my family and friends by saying that I ate some cooked food, but really I didn't. ;-)   Lately, I've been thinking about eating more fruit. I have been reading about Dr. Graham's beliefs about fats and insulin resistance and maybe he's right. I'm not sure, since I didn't actually read his book (it's $30 plus shipping, not available through the library) or try out his plan for easier diegestion/absorption. My husband seemed to like the idea of trying it, so maybe I'll order the book once I pay our bills.

Our seedlings are doing really well. I wish we could put everything outside already. It was so beautiful for a couple of days, but now it's getting cold again and I heard we could be getting some snow tomorrow( !). So, I must be patient. I'm soooo looking forward to the farm CSA this year. I hope they allow me to be a dropoff location, so I don't have to go anywhere to pick up my veggies *and* I get a pretty good discount on the share. I'm doing a full share, of course. It's super expensive ($700) to pay in one big lump, but it's about $30 a week and we spend way more than that each week on produce. I mean WAY more than that. This organic, raw eating is hugely expensive--but, I've already said that before. It's worth it, though. My husband is looking FANTASTIC and I'm feeling better and better, too. 

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APRIL STATS:
I forgot to update on my stats. I haven't taken a pic since the first of January. I have been jotting down my weight, however, so that I can look back at everything. I went down four pounds since last month (still averaging about one pound per week). My body shape keeps shifting and looking healthier. I seem to notice the physical changes in my body more than the weight moving from the scale. 

I was 162 pounds at the end of March. My weight goes up and down by five pounds, depending on the day and time that I weigh myself, and the lowest I was at the end of March was 162 pounds. I think I probably look lighter than I am, but I'm not sure. Maybe my perception of myself is changing in a positive way ? Anyway, it seems that I am consistently losing about one pound per week.

This is behind a cut, so that I don't bring negative stuff onto your friends pages.

I've been going through some major things the past year, dealing with sexual post traumatic stress disorder being the biggest thing. A little over a week ago I hit a big issue in therapy and I was trying to deal with that this past week, feeling like I could be on the verge of finally breaking through something that has had a hold onto me, changing who I am in such a negative way over the past fifteen years. But, then the universe decided I wasn't juggling enough and wanted to test me. It threw another ball into the ones I was just learning to juggle with a rhythm that felt okay. I wasn't so stressed anymore and I was beginning to actually see the beauty in what I was doing. But, then WHAM! In comes the other ball at me so fast that it knocked me off my feet and all the balls can bouncing down all around me.

I feel like I'm miserably failing the test, feeling a depression that is different from any I've felt in the past. This one isn't a numbing, dull one where I feel like I'm walking in a fog, forcing myself to do things to appear alive and well. This one has me feeling overly emotional, crying too much, not able to hide it from anyone (maybe this is a healthier kind of depression? I don't know). And when I'm not crying I'm feeling hungry. I mean REALLY hungry--my stomach growling, feeling like I really need to eat. I think of the most unhealthy things that I want to eat...cheese, pizza, popcorn loaded up with so much melted butter that it drips from my fingers, etc. So, I try to eat other things to move beyond that craving, because I know I don't WANT those things. I'm not so messed up that I actually convince myself that I want those things...I know it's some kind of unhealthy emotional craving. But, I eat and eat to fill that emotional side, trying to stuff it and shut it up. I feel sick from eating too much yesterday. My stomach is hard and full, not able to digest all that I ate (even if it was all raw).

Read more: stress and eating

It's funny how raw things work. So, I was eating out of stress, trying to soothe myself in a way that I had been raised to see as something we just do.

Here's what I remember eating from yesterday:

banana

Read more: Funny how raw things work