I'm feeling a bit better this evening. I'm building up my inner self again, getting to a point of balance after being knocked down.

The following isn't directly raw-food related. However, since eating raw foods is about so much more than the food, it brings with it the ability to become more of the person you truly are meant to be, it is quite relevant.

I revisited my recent Rob Brezsny horoscope that I held out, wondering what it meant. Usually I can find some kind of meaning in his scopes (not that I live my life by them), but this time I didn't. So, I held it aside and I pulled it up today because I had a feeling it was finally going to make sense.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "It is by going down into the abyss that you

recover the treasures of life," wrote mythologist Joseph Campbell.

"Where you stumble, there lies your treasure." Keep those thoughts

uppermost in mind, Taurus. You've dared to crawl down into the abyss,

and that's admirable. But now comes the most important part: your

stumble. Be alert for every detail about it. It's the key to your future

treasure.

My stumble was not being true to myself. I've gone against the grain of who I truly am as a person and a spiritual being and it has caused a situation to be more than it possibly would have been, if I had simply just followed my heart instead of my head.

My head said to follow what I've been learning--protect yourself first, even if it's at the expense of someone else. You can't do for anyone else if you aren't in a place where you feel you are strong on your own. My heart said to give love and the negative energy will change and become positive. That's the way it has always worked--love lets others drop their guards and see that there is no cause for defensiveness.

I was a mess because I didn't follow my heart. I was filled with all kinds of emotions, spiraling into the darkest pit and feeling stuck there with overwhelming sadness, frustration, anger, etc., over what was happening around me. Then today I read something that said where there is a challenge, there will be change and growth. That's when I was reminded of the horoscope, so I opened that and read it. I was all of a sudden separating myself from my emotions, looking at the situation and trying to find my stumble. Intuitively I knew it, but I still tried to mentally realize where my stumble was in this whole ordeal.

When my inner voice wouldn't be silenced any longer, I knew I had to admit it. As much as I wanted to follow some "correct" way of being in order to be a "healthy" individual, it just isn't who I am. Perhaps in all of this, however, I have learned a balance that I knew one day I would eventually get to. I went from only caring about others, always doing and saying things (out of pure love) to help them be as happy as they could be. Many times this was at my own expense in different ways. Then recently I went the other direction, only caring about my own self, only doing and saying things to help me feel happy and honest with myself. This was at the expense of others. I'm not saying that others weren't in the wrong, I'm just saying that normally I wouldn't have cared very much that they were in the wrong, I still would have treated them with love and compassion, melting the problem away. Now, I think I can see the need for balance sooner than later. It won't take me 40 years to move in the opposite direction before ending up in the middle. Sure, for a bit I'll probably be more conscious of the "me" side of the whole pendulum; I doubt it can automatically balance out overnight.

So, my stumble was not being the loving, compassionate person I have always been. I wasn't true to my nature. The recent situation has allowed me to realize that I need to embrace that part of myself that I was trying to control. It's not something I need to control, not something that I need to pull back on, to stop loving those around me so much, either. Being loving and compassionate *is* something, however, that I need to do for myself, as well as others. Being loving and compassionate is a very big part of who I am. Realizing and admitting that being that way is a pretty awesome way to live, that I'm pretty awesome, is my true treasure. Thank you, Rob Brezsny, for helping me look at this in a different way.

Now I am focusing on raising my vibration back to one of love. Once I am at that point, I will be ready to take on the world again. For now, however, I need to give myself the time that I need to override the negative energy that has entered my life. Soon I should be even happier, now that I am ready to embrace my true nature.